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Financial cheating and how it can impact your relationship
Most of us are familiar with how affairs can undermine trust in relationships, whether from personal experience or through someone we know.
But what about financial cheating?
A recent Finder survey of more than 1,000 Australians found that one in five people thought financial infidelity was worse than adultery.
Financial educator and author Melissa Browne says this isn’t surprising in the current climate.
“So many people are financially stressed by the rising cost of living and interest rates, so having your partner do something that threatens your financial security can feel like a huge betrayal.”
What is financial infidelity and why do people do it?
Financial infidelity can range from some “discreet, sneaky spending” on clothes, to running up debt on a secret credit card or gambling on savings, says Browne.
Whatever the betrayal, Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, says it’s when the spending goes against the couple’s agreement and goals.
“It has the same characteristics as infidelity, which is a unilateral decision made in secret.”
Our experts say the motivations for financial cheating can be wide-ranging:
- The pleasure that comes from the secret
- Risk-taking mentality
- Compulsive behavior, such as shopping or gambling addiction
- Embarrassment, shame, or fear of judgment over a bad financial decision, such as a bad investment
- It’s difficult to talk about money, poor communication, or conflict avoidance.
“Someone who is highly conflict avoidant, they know [the spending] will go against their partner’s wishes, but they don’t know how to argue about what they prefer,” says Shaw.
“They might think, ‘I can just take this offline and do it privately and it might never get noticed.'”
Financial infidelity is different from financial abuse in that it’s less about control and more about self-interest, says Shaw. However, there may be some crossover.
If you or someone you know is experiencing financial abuse, please contact 1800 RESPECT for support.
Have you ever experienced financial infidelity? Share with us through everyday@abc.net.au
The impact on relationships
The scale of the betrayal will determine the impact it can have on the relationship, says Shaw.
How financially committed the other partner is will also play an important role.
“Financing contributes to our survival,” says Shaw.
“If people think that their sense of survival or security has been compromised by a partner, or that their image for the future has been damaged, then it can seem… difficult to go back.”
For example, if someone threw away their life savings or pension fund, it could be “unrecoverable,” she says.
There may even be legal implications, such as during property settlements in family law disputes.
Sometimes couples see the discovery of infidelity as an opportunity to “do better as a couple,” suggests Shaw.
“Sometimes in these crises, a person can learn that they need to be more engaged [financially].
“Maybe they never had a good financial plan, or transparency or accountability in place…it’s an opportunity to look under every rock.”
Gambling addiction can sometimes be associated with financial cheating.(Pexels)
What to do about financial infidelity
Understanding cheating is the first step, says Shaw.
“Get an in-depth explanation of how this could have happened and what it means for us.
“A quick apology won’t be enough.”
She says couples should make a plan about what they need to do to move forward and may need the support of a couples counselor or psychologist to do so.
From there, she says you can decide if the relationship is salvageable.
Resources for financial hardship:
Couples will then need to work to rebuild trust, says Shaw, and map out what they can learn from the experience.
“For example, if this happened through gambling, your partner may need to enter an addiction program.”
In addition to seeking couples counseling, Shaw says there may be a need for financial — and even legal — advice.
To protect yourself from further financial infidelity, Ms. Browne suggests:
- Working together to create financial goals that leave you motivated and excited.
- Schedule regular check-ins to create accountability, like monthly money chats.
- If you share finances, set aside money for each person to spend as they wish.
“My husband doesn’t need to know how much I spend on shoes. I’m sure you feel the same way about any equivalent,” says Browne.
“However, it is only possible to maintain if you are both contributing to your common goals, have money of your own, and check in regularly to make sure you are on the right track.”
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Posted 9h ago9 hours agoMon Jun 10 2024 at 9:45 pm, updated 8h ago8 hours agoMon Jun 10 2024 at 10:53 pm